I don’t want to stop long enough to think because if I do, it all comes rushing back. I don’t want quiet, I want busy busy BUSY! Or if I’m not busy, I want to go to sleep just to get the day over with. Just so I can stay busy tomorrow.
They say you shouldn’t worry about the things you can’t control but that doesn’t make the effect hurt any less. At least the death of a problem gives it closure. The being on life support feels excruciatingly painful.
I have no idea what’s next but I don’t see that silver lining. Funny but right now, I now understand people that are struggling with something but no one else knows it because of a well though out cover. I think I wear my disguise like a broadway actor to the outside world.
It’s not the same; it can’t be the same. I don’t have 70% of the responsibility in me. That’s an exhausting thought
I think, at least as far as I can remember, we prayed this morning, together. The king and queen of stately White Manor (a Batman reference) stood together, and prayed. Was it something really deep? Nah. Was it comfortable? Nope. It was very weird but I grabbed her hands and we stood, toe to toe and I gave thanks for the ability for us to be able to put a new transmission in my truck with, as Randy Moss would say, “straight cash Homie“. No credit card, no loans. I asked god to never let my truck break down…He laughed and just made sure we had the money to fix it when the inevitable came. We then prayed for the strength to get thru it to get back to where we are now financially.
Then I told her how much a new transmission was going to cost…she was literally ROFL.
This whole praying together thing is gonna take a minute for the weirdness to wear off, I see.
I think I’m good with not placing blame on everyone else. I’d like to believe I’ve always been that way because of my grandmother. Even with my jacked upbringing, I don’t think she let me be still long enough to wallow in misery or to look at everyone else for the shit that went wrong.
I don’t like to feel powerless and if we blame stuff on others, then that means they have more power than us. I’ve been a loner as long as I can remember probably because I didn’t and still don’t like too much input. Of course there are the people I respect greatly and I allow them to be my eyes and ears but at the end of the day, it’s up to me. I don’t allow the kids to gather momentum when blaming others; they may start out with it but it’s quickly shut down. There’s always a point, a crossroad, where the better decision could have been made. Or man, sometimes stuff just doesn’t work out in your favor. Live and learn. Accept responsibility for your part that you played, an active or inactive role (just because you don’t make a decision doesn’t mean a decision doesn’t have to be made regardless) and move on. Otherwise, you are stuck. As a bonus, you’ll learn to live life with many, many less regrets.
Besides, no one wants to spend an inordinate amount of time with a victim. Man, what a drag.
I’ve got a kid on my team that is the victim all of the time. Odd thing is, he’s one of my goalkeepers. Every time the other team scores, he’s crying, fussing and complaining about what everyone else didn’t do. Now, I’ve bent over backwards and done a good job of teaching them that they aren’t to blame the keeper under any circumstances. It’s been a harder task than needed because he’ll try to blame them. To their credit though, they don’t take the bait. I’ve told him that he’s picked the wrong line of work if he never wants the feeling of getting scored on. The best keepers are the ones that make the adjustments to no get scored on…AGAIN!!
Look, life sometimes kicks my ass because it’s supposed to. It makes me learn to be better, to see what I’m made of and then when I don’t let that happen again, it kicks my ass a brand new way.
God, this is all your fault.
I can’t control everything. I quit. I choose not to worry about those things beyond my reach. I’ll have input when I need to or when it’s wanted. I’m not taking on the world’s problems as if they are mine. Who needs that kind of stress.
Plus, if I try to control everything, then that means I don’t trust that the universe will do what it will. I believe therefore I must have faith.
In order to be truly happy, I will give up my need to control each and every situation put before me.
I’m figuring out that it’s not necessarily more that I need; it’s less or things that I need to continually work on in order to find and keep joy. I know, I can’t control everything, especially not other people. But what I can control is how I feel about and react to it.
The 1st thing I’m working on is the need to always be right. Actually, I think I recognized this a while back. We would ‘discuss’ things and I, for whatever reason, always felt the need to win. It really wasn’t a discussion at all, more like “I’ll give you my idea and I’ll pretend to listen to yours, just to be fair but we’re going to go with mine because I am the man here, damnit!” Yeah, that didn’t work at all. More than anything, it made her stop or greatly reduce the things we actually ‘discussed’.
I think I’ve become better, a lot better hopefully, at that. If not, I’m sure I’ll be reminded swiftly. Plus, if I always have to be right, then what’s the use of anyone else putting in their ideas and thoughts. And really, I am a husband and father who really want to hear what everyone else thinks. I’m smart enough to know that I don’t know it all.
If anything, I want to be known as a kind person. Like the old one-liner “do you want to be right or do you want to be married?”
The Godfather of Go-Go has been called Home
Rest in Peace, Chuck Brown